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Today's Topic: Dental Floss

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Oct. 31st, 2006 | 04:28 pm
posted by: wateredsilk in breadboxjustice

Today is Halloween, which means that an ungodly amount of sugar is going to be pumping through the veins of everyone under the age of 10 tonight.  As such, it made me think about some of my days as a trick-or-treater. 

Let me tell you, I was a cute kid, capable of conning handful after handful of sweet, sweet, individually-wrapped goodness from strangers with just a flash of my pearly whites.  The costume just gave the adults an excuse and kept the other kids from getting jealous.  Most of the time the loot I acquired was pretty sweet: an assortment of candy bars, a sprinkling of Smarties, maybe some M&M's here and there, but every once in awhile, some poor misguided individual was so hopeless out of touch with what satisfies a child's ravenous hunger for sugar that I would get things like pennies. 

First off, I'm a kid, not a panhandler.  If it was so easy for me to pop off to the store and buy the candy for myself, why the hell have I been pounding the pavement for the past 30 blocks?  Secondly, do you have any idea how dirty the average coin is?  And you want your filthy change comingling with my precious candy?  Nuh-uh, try again, buster.  Someone needs to inform these lost souls that pennies are just a godawful lousy treat.  Maybe if they were handing out dollar bills, I might feel differently on the subject, but you can't buy anything for a penny anymore.  They're so utterly useless, the government wants to get rid of them, fer cryin' out loud!  Conclusion: if you forgot to buy candy and only have your jar of coins sitting around, just save yourself the trouble and leave the light off.

As a Halloween enthusiast, there were a whole list of treats which were just ridiculously disappointing to find in my bag at the end of the evening.  Pennies were certainly one, mini-bags of popcorn were another (do I look like I have a microwave under my costume?), but the absolute worst, and I do mean worst Halloween treat I ever got was a sample size pack of dental floss.  Now, you just know that the house had to have belonged to a dentist or orthodontist or even some vindictive oral surgeon, but there is no excuse--none!--for handing out floss on Halloween.  It's just plain mean, especially if it's mint-flavored.  It's like they were saying, "See, it almost tastes like candy!"  But it isn't.  Oh sweet Lord in Heaven, it's not even close.  Yes, we know we should take care of our teeth, and yes, we know we should floss more often, now where is my goddamn candy?!

After that bitter diatribe, I'm sure you're all wondering what the heck my costume is, but that's not the question we're here to answer.  So without further adieu:

"Is dental floss closer to a breadbox or the concept of justice?"

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Comments {4}


My Vote Goes to...

from: chellykins
date: Nov. 1st, 2006 04:56 pm (UTC)

What if it was filled with candy? Would it still be a breadbox? But I think getting an entire box of candy would be pretty darn awesome.

So my vote's for the concept of justice because like dental floss justice is the fine thread that our well being often hangs on, yet goes largely ignored until there's a problem.

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